Love The Second Time Around
I wasn’t looking for love, I was actually just minding my own business, focusing on my company, my children and myself. I had grown tired of online dating and the disingenuous people, men who lied, cheated and caused me nothing but pain. I hadn’t stopped believing in love, just ran out of roads to it, I thought. I had begun to think maybe there really wasn’t anyone who could interest me, excite me and who I could trust. Perhaps love would never be in my future.
Listening to thousands of divorce stories over the last few years, I had also been inadvertently studying love stories the second time around. Divorcees not only shared the sorrows of divorce, but the elation of finding new loves. I always rejoiced in other's happiness, and thought the joy of finding this elusive love and happiness the second time around, a far harder and more enviable feat that as a naive twenty something. One of the more common cliches I found fascinating was the notion of when you meet that person you “just know instantly”. “Everything is different” people preached, “it was no longer work”, they said, “it was love at first sight, or chat” they insisted. I, being the realist, would often question this notion. I have been on a lot of first and only dates, met hundreds of men, dated a couple, yet I never once had this kind of instant emotion, feeling, all-consuming connection with anyone.
Until I met “Him”.
“He” emailed me, something very non-flirty, however within twenty four hours of connecting with “Him” we had somehow, become an “us” and no amount of time, attention, or information about each other was enough. Even as I am typing this sentence it sounds like insanity, but it is true. With every word, every letter, he revealed himself and in doing so filled every single box of any list of traits, of what my dream man would be. He even checks boxes that I always considered to just be romantic myths, we are fed by Disney princesses waiting for their Prince Charming. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, most attentive, handsomest, funniest, most romantic, hard working, decent, most beautiful man, inside and out, I ever met, and just like that I became one of those divorcees spouting their stories of just knowing instantly “they are the one”.
Before “Him” I had no idea that relationships weren’t mostly work. I had no idea that someone could care for me as much as he does. I had no clue that I could spend every waking hour of my life, looking at someone's eyes and feeling nothing but joy and love. I had no idea a text, or simply hearing someone's voice, could give you the kind of butterflies that make you feel almost nauseous. I had spent much of this lifetime trying to fit square pegs in round holes, making do, not having my needs met, not having people see my worth, and not somehow having the strength to leave, and wait for that special person who would value me as I do them. It is a hard order to fill waiting for something that we aren’t ever sure actually exists. This is why we settle, the fear that true unconditional love is not achievable or even reality.
I too had fallen into the trap of “I love you too”. The standard response you say to someone after you date for a while and they say “I love you” so you just parrot it back to them, not because you mean it, but because you just don’t know what else to say. I had spent most of my adult life doing this, I wanted to be loved and to love, yet it was always a losing struggle. No smooth sailing or heartfelt anything until I met “Him”. “He”, the gorgeous blue eyed man, who fills me with happiness, who wasn’t afraid to claim me, or love me out loud. “He”, who actually keeps his word, makes a plan and takes action to show me daily how he feels. A man who always makes me feel that I am enough, and also never makes me feel that I am too much. A man I admire above all else, for his decency, kind heart and thoughtful gestures. A man who in literally days maybe hours, made me realize that I was grateful no post divorce relationships had worked out, because within minutes I realized why they didn’t work - these men weren’t him. They weren’t even close- stratospheres away in fact, in emotional intelligence, connection and feelings.
I don’t live with regret, but I wish I had had more faith in this mystical thing called “true love”. More faith in destiny, that I would eventually find myself, in the right place, at the right time with a person who I swear I think I manifested into my life, through sheer daydreaming. I want everyone to know, this is a real phenomena, not just found in romance novels, but in regular everyday life, across miles, against the odds, and in the most convoluted, random turn of events, to connect two people together, who may not be perfect for everyone else, but so incredibly perfect for each other. This is out there, I’m not convinced you find it, more than it finds you. Focus on yourself, love yourself, work hard, be kind, love everyone around you, give when you can, and maybe when you are least expecting it, the universe decides it is your turn to be the “lucky ones” and your paths cross and just like that, you realize “that cupid is real”.
Love makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, because it comes out of nowhere, knocks you to your knees in gratitude and fills your heart, in a way you didn’t even know was possible. It is so powerful, it confuses you, scares the heck out of you, and you can literally feel the energy it creates between two people, the constant tug on your heartstrings, magnetizing you towards each other, with a strength that you couldn’t even stop if you tried. It is blissful and all-consuming, the constant thoughts of them, the way you fall in love daily even more, the million little things they don’t even know they do, that make you have amnesia and forget there are 3.5 billion other men on this planet, because you know no one anywhere could compare.
Wait for this kind of love. There are many things in the world that you can compromise on, make do with, but LOVE should never be one of those. Wait for the one worthy of your time, love, affection and attention. Your Romeo or Juliet is out there, and when you find them, you will never again have to be the person who falsely says “I love you too”. You will be the person who looks into their lover's eyes and even without words, your eyes will clearly be communicating “I LOVE YOU”.