The Great Hair Disaster
Every now and then I go through a hair crisis that can only be compared to the drama of a mid-life crisis. During this time frame, I convince myself that I'm in desperate need for a change and I need to either cut my hair off or dye it blonde. Or both.
I was chatting about this with a friend of mine and she began sending me pictures of cuts she liked. Among many of the pictures I found a cut I loved and BONUS, I'm basically twins with Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Except for the hair. And face.
My friend also promptly told me that I'm to forgo blonde and go darker just like the picture. So I set out to become Tiffany Amber Thiessen -with a different face. (Because I'm no stalker).
I made an appointment immediately at a salon I've never been to before which turned out to be scary beyond all reason on the inside. I wasn't traumatized though, until I overheard the elderly woman sitting behind me in the waiting area telling a story about a woman she knows that got her finger chopped off in a blender. Immediately I sent a message to my friend and told her what I was experiencing and asked her if I should go through with the haircut. She said yes but wanted to know if I've ever seen Sweeney Todd. To which I replied:
I told the stylist that I wanted my hair cut and colored EXACTLY LIKE THE PICTURE. I also asked her if that would be possible and she made it very clear that she could handle my request. I put my trust in her and watched my hair dive precariously from my head to the floor. See? Just laying there lifeless like giant clumps of baby monkeys.
When she was finished, I didn't look anything like the picture. Granted, she didn't have time to style my hair, just blow dry it. And this was the result.
Okay, this was really how it looked. I was super disappointed. But I didn't want to ugly cry in the salon. Besides, no one would mistake me for Tiffany Amber Thiessan if my eyes were red and swollen.
When I got home, I though I'd straighten it to see if I could get it to look like the picture and that didn't work either.
I made up my mind to get a new appointment somewhere else to have it fixed.
Big, Ginourmous, Huge, Stupid Mistake.
I showed a new stylist my hair and she explained that my bangs weren't blended and showed me how thick my hair was on top and that it needed to be thinned out. She went to work and when she was done, This was the result.
Only I'm 1 pound heavier.
Okay, this was really the result.
In case you're wondering, that sweatshirt is currently my favorite and I wear it almost everyday until it's full of toothpaste stains. I'm not willing to share a face shot of this cut. It would even make Gollum cry.
I've worn my hair in a pony tail ever since. I'm not even lying.
Does it bother anyone that the pony tail holders don't match?
As the distress and depression of the situation sank in, another friend suggested it would be fine if I straightened it and asked if I had a Chi straightener because in her words it makes your hair like buttah. So I made up my mind to purchase a Chi hair straightener and right this grave hair wrong.
I found one on Ebay.
When it was finally delivered, I plugged it in... and the lights in our hallway started flickering off and on. I'm not even making this up. I thought that was a good sign that my hair would receive enough power from my straightener to encourage super model straightness. My ultimate goal was to at least come up with some form of style that looked remotely close to this, which is the last time I had short hair 9 years ago.
But Nope. My hair is too short.
In a pony tail it shall remain.
On the brighter side, I've searched for ways to make your hair grow, and I've learned to take Biotin and flip my hair upside down while massaging my scalp with coconut oil and peppermint essential oils for 4 minutes continuously.
I'm certain it has grown .0003 thousandths of an inch.
I guess it's time to update my social media profile pictures. Except I'm afraid Tiffany Amber Thiessan fans would mistake me for her.