Humor

Dream Houses & Perfect Jeans Don’t Exist

Have you found the perfect pair of jeans yet?

Me, neither. I have a pair that's close: The right wash, skinny but not too skinny, with the essential 2% spandex to make them comfortable(ish). But my bubble butt makes every pair I have ever owned gape at the waist, and I have yet to find a pair that won't do that.

For the past month my husband and I have been searching for a new house, and I have rapidly come to realize that the hunt for the dream house is not unlike the search for the perfect jeans.

Here are seven reasons why:

1. You start out optimistic. 

In the beginning, you are full of hope and enthusiasm. There are so many possibilities out there, and one of them has your name on it. You can't wait to find your dream jeans/dream home - once you've found them, you will spend every moment together, get more comfortable the longer you have them, and live happily ever after!

2. They look great from the outside. 

The first day is exciting. You enter the store confidently, sure your perfect jeans are in there somewhere, waiting to be found by you. This will be easy!

Similarly, you start out with your house hunt filled with hope and an unhealthy dose of smugness. Sure, you have heard that it is stressful and difficult, but you already found some amazing choices online! The photos look great, the descriptions sound perfect, and you are secretly convinced that your house buying process will be a breeze. You almost feel a bit sorry for the other people who seem to have such problems. This will be easy!


3. They don't fit right. 

Huh. You are two hours in, have tried at least 15 different pairs, and none of them work. In fact, they are all hideous, you are hideous, and your body is hideous. Who are these jeans made for? Is your body so unusual? Why does everything look so awful?

Huh. How can photos be so deceiving? This looked completely different in real life. The rooms are much smaller, the highway right in front of the house wasn't mentioned, and the toilet doesn't flush.

Also, beware of the word unique - unique is never good in house jargon. Unique translates to hideous/what-the-hell-were-they-thinking/you-will-hate-it.

4. Your emotions will go on the wildest roller coaster of your life. 

Every time the salesclerk brings you yet another pair, you can't help but feel a surge of hope. Maybe this time you will hit the jackpot? Your heart starts to pound, your mood lifts, and you eagerly grab the goods and put them on. And - another bad option. Your high spirits crash, and hopelessness floods your entire being. You are destined to ill-fitting jeans, and maybe you should just accept your fate and give up.

The same applies to the house hunt, but about 1000 times worse. The high hopes, the devastating disappointments, the fear that your dream house doesn't exist - they will be your constant companions, baby. Better get used to it.


5. The salespeople will convince you to get something more expensive. 

Do you know the reason why you haven't found anything yet? Because you're too cheap! You get what you pay for, and you better pay lots. Sure, you thought you could find a decent pair of pants for a reasonable price, but clearly it's not working. Try the more expensive ones, come on ... you know you want to.

The real estate agents are clever. They don't suggest a higher price category right away. Oh no, they play along, showing you properties in your original price range, keeping up friendly small talk. Before you know it, they have figured out that you have always wanted your own waterfall and private zen garden, and guess what? They know just the place. Sure, it's $200,000 above your budget, but in the end you're saving money, because you don't have to build the zen garden yourself. And isn't that money spent wisely?

6. You will question everything.

Do you like the high-waisted style? You thought you didn't, but you don't know any more. Everything you thought you like - a dark wash, medium rise, slim fit - doesn't look good on you. Maybe you actually like the ripped jeans you thought ugly before? How would you know? You have no clue what you like. Everything is confusing.

You told the agent that you don't want any neighbors. However, every house without neighbors is so lonely. But isn't that what you like?

You also thought you wanted a log home. But every log home you have seen is just so - woodsy. There's rustic, and then there is wood overload, as in wood everywhere: The walls, ceiling, floors, cupboards, even the fricking bathtub. Yet again, isn't that what you wanted? You will need to figure yourself out, finding the answer to the age-old question: WHO ARE YOU?


7. You will settle (down).

You are exhausted. You are sick of trying on the gazillionth pair of jeans, and you are definitely sick of looking at houses. You have learnt the hard way that perfection is a myth. It doesn't exist, either in denim- or house-form.

After some self-reflection, you will remember what you were looking for in the first place, and return to your original plan.

You got distracted by all the noise the clever salespeople made, and forgot that you never set out to find a waterfall.

Once you let go of the craziness, you will realize that perfection is an illusion (aren't those celebrities being sewn into their clothes or something?), and that finding something close to ideal is pretty damn awesome!

Heart Me!

Profile photo of Miriam Verheyden

Author. Dreamer. Fear Conqueror.