Dating In The Aftermath Of Divorce
How relieved are we to get to a place we want to date after a divorce, you may feel full of optimism, hope, fueled by freedom and energized by the prospect of so much sex you think you may be having after your marriage. I hate to be the one to break it to you but dating after divorce is filled with landmines, potholes and in worse cases sinkholes that will swallow you up and make you think, you want to give up, move to condo with 40 cats and never date again. I like to think forewarned is forearmed and so I am here to try and guide you through the long list of dates and people to avoid after a divorce.
1. Avoid other freshly divorced people, two unhealed, unhappy people both struggling with change are a nightmare waiting to happen. Often the first relationship you try and navigate after divorce, is a roller coaster of highs and lows, based much more on your emotional post divorce self-than the person you choose to date. Although I do wonder if part of the problem with this equation, is that no healthy person would really want to date a freshly divorced person, they should see that for them it isn’t wise either.
2. The dating app addict, I have come to truly believe that dating apps are an addiction, some people get a literal high from the chasing, the never ending supply of men and women and the constant attention. I even had someone once tell me they “ran out of people to date” on certain apps and had to move their location to the next city. If you suspect this person seems a little too addicted to their app alerts run. It most certainly isn’t that you are not enough it’s more the fact that they have an issue with their own self worth.
3. The person who has not figured out the child, work shuffle yet. These are basic things that people need to attend to after their divorce. Children need schedules and adults need schedules, especially when trying to multitask, work, child custody and dating. If you see this person has not addressed these basic things, the relationship will be fraught with feeling like you are last on the priority list and that your date has no time for you.
4. People who seem hung up or abnormally hateful towards their ex. The opposite of love is indifference not hate, and if the person seems obsessed with stalking their ex, trying to inflict pain on them, you really have to think not only do they probably have unhealthy feelings towards them, but you are getting a peek into how they actually would be with you after a breakup.
5. This next person also isn’t healthy to date in my opinion, the comparer to exes and others. Ever been on a date and have someone casually, share far too much information about their exes, it could seem in the form of “Hey my ex won a beauty contest” or “reminds me of when I went to wherever with my ex and we stayed at that hotel”. I really think both short and long term this is a red flag. Conversation especially initially should be focused on each other and trying to get to know about you.
6. The moody ones, sometimes, the moody people can be quite attractive because we can be drawn to the bad boy/girl. The mystery is enticing and we seem honored that they even like us, when they seem to find fault with the world around them. The truth is though negativity in any form is not good for our soul and if they are complaining about everything now, you wait to a year from now when those complaints, moods and negativity is directed at you because that is a likely outcome.
7. The “doesn’t keep your word”, person. This is also another deal breaker, there are 7 billion people on this planet be why even try to be with someone who constantly does not keep their word, is flaky, cancels, forgets to do what you asked etc. Life is far too short to deal with these people.
8. Lastly the untrustworthy, the flirt, the eye wanderers, the phone screen hiders. Ever noticed on social media all the people who try to appear single when we know they aren’t. I’m not saying everyone needs to plaster their personal life everywhere, but if something seems suspicious, if someone seems they are hiding something there is a chance they are, so why waste your time.
9. The all about me type, ever had a date when you hear the word “I” so many times you head may explode? This type of person isn’t a giver and never will be, they are a taker at best, a narcissist at worse. Divorce I hope at least taught us all that relationships are both give and take.
After reading this list you maybe be looking up cat shelters, but the truth is, that for every one of these type of people, there truly are many more decent, kind, trustworthy people of their word. Maybe they aren’t on dating apps, but I promise you they are out there, I am contacted often by lovely divorcees I have helped to hear amazing stories of love after divorce.
It may be a wait-but that wait is worth it, stay positive, work on yourself and avoid the types of people above. It really will save you time, money and heartache getting in a relationship right after divorce with one of these humans.
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