Can You Really “Get Over” a Loss?
I often speak in reference to staying mindful when people show you who they are. It's a daily thing that most often tends to be overlooked because we are all moving so quickly. When relationships are forming there will always be something that rubs one of the parties involved the wrong way. Certain things can be overlooked, but others just stop any progression on its tracks. Sometimes you can sit and discuss, and other times you have to just close the door.
A beautiful conversation about relationships, love, and building was had the other night at my home. Lil Mama and I dug deep about what should be done when things we really don't like are presented during the building of relationships. My relationship with her father is a great teacher we always revisit. It's honest, loving and full of insight mixed with lots of humor because, in the end, nothing is that serious.
A loaded question was asked and I shared my truth.
She asked me if people ever really get over someone they loved so much and saw their life with? I said we never get over anything that happens to us really. We just learn to look at things in a different perspective, if we are lucky, that is. She said it's always been a question she struggles with, especially seeing how much her parents still love and care for one another. I said that's because we, as her parents, didn't allow bitterness to taint the love that once was. We made peace with the fact that we just weren't the ones for each other. She was grateful for my honesty.
People are quick to say "get over it", but if we don't put the work in to understand just what it really is we are getting over then all we truly end up doing is repeating the same mistakes. Those patterns only cultivate bitterness. I suggested she always keep that in mind with any situation. She walked over to me and gave me a big hug said she was glad she could talk to me. I said, "always".
We can't respond to every disappointment in our lives the same way and honestly, no one should expect us to. Some things hurt more than others, some things we have invested more of ourselves into. Being kind in those moments when the rug has been pulled from under us is crucial to a healthy mental state. Showing kindness to ourselves should never be an option.
I tend to think that saying "get over it" is actually pretty cruel and dismissive. You can't be empathetic if you are rushing someone through their emotions. Your support loses its value if who you are supporting can't take their time to mourn a loss. Because any breakdown of any connection is a form of loss and should be respected as such.
So what is a more realistic suggestion? Can we perhaps just offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on? Can we maybe provide some silent company or a comforting dinner? Do we just say, "I am sorry you are hurting, but I am here for you when and if you need me?" I like to err on the side of whatever shows love. What about you, what do you think? What has been your experience?
Always stress-free xo,