A Letter to Irma
I wanted to take a few minutes to both thank AND reprimand you. You ready Irma? Here we go:
Praise: You go, girl! You were on a mission and brought it. Not sure why, but congrats, I guess. Is that what you want to hear Irma? I do actually need to thank you for sparing my family in Tampa. Thank you for not bothering our home, our things and our lives. It has been hectic but we will take it. Thank you for giving us power, while many are still left without. With all my heart, thank you. By no means am I looking to be your friend so don’t mistake my kind words for an invitation for any type of relationship. Too harsh? Sorry…not sorry, Irma.
Scold: Not everyone was as lucky as we were. You have ruined people’s dreams, destroyed their houses they worked so hard to build, flooded cities and left many without power. Why so angry Irma? Why? Perhaps it might make sense to get some help when you are done with your wrecking ball tour.
Praise: Thank you for the excuse to attend many hurricane parties, when we would otherwise be living our everyday boring lives. We had such great times with friends, drank way too much and laughed all night long. It was definitely a special time to bond with our friends and come together as a community.
Scold: My liver and my head aches, no thanks to you. Apparently, it seemed like a good idea at the time but looking back, not so much. Please let us go back to our everyday boring lives, Irma.
Praise: Hmmm. It’s tough to find a positive here Irma, but I’ll try.
There are more important things in life than a vacation, sans kids with free child care. I’ll just keep repeating that to myself, especially after the kids being out of school all week.
Now I can spend even more time with my kids. YIPPEE!
Scold: I had to cancel my surprise anniversary gift to my husband, which was a long weekend away in the Cayman Islands.
While they were not badly impacted by your rude and obnoxious self, life is just too hectic this week to pick up and enjoy a vacation.
Just not the time.
You suck Irma.
Praise: My kids are out of school so we have been able to concentrate on putting our house back together instead of lunch boxes and school pick up lines. Yeah, that’s the only positive I can think of right now. It’s been a long week people.
Scold: My kids are out of school. Enough said!
Praise: Thank you for warning us of your visit. It was very big of you Irma. You took a LONG time to get here and it was very stressful waiting for your arrival.
However, it allowed us to stock up on tons of supplies, including lots of comfort food, which was just what the doctor ordered.
We also made sure to grab as much alcohol as possible since we knew you were coming by.
What can I say? That’s how we treat all our guests.
Scold: I am pretty sure I speak for many when I say I have gained the #Irma15 for sure. I feel disgusting and chowed down on food I would normally never even buy. I was feeling great before you arrived, working out and eating healthy. Now I will basically have to live at the gym to get the bags of Cheetos off of my stomach and my ass. I blame you, Irma. You made me do it all, from buying at the store to shoving in my mouth, over and over again. Thanks a lot, Irma!
Praise: Due to your visit, we were not able to celebrate my son’s 11th birthday as planned, which gave me a chance to teach him a life lesson. All that matters is that we were safe and together as a family. Presents can wait. His favorite restaurant will still be there when we postpone his birthday dinner to next weekend. His smoked fish delivery from NYC will deliver this coming weekend instead. Yes, he is addicted to smoked salmon and whitefish spread, as am I. We are lucky we have a next weekend to celebrate. We are lucky to celebrate instead of mourn. My son witnessed the awesome power of nature and was schooled in all things hurricanes. He has a lot to celebrate, birthday or not.
Scold: When you are 11, your birthday is still pretty exciting. Thanks Irma for letting my son down. Oh, and did you have to pick September 11th? You took attention away from the horrible day our country experienced 16 years ago. Between 9/11 and you Irma, my son is convinced his birthday is cursed. I may have to agree with him. Why couldn’t my emergency C-Section have waited just a few more hours? Why?
So there you have it, Ms. Irma. There you have it.
A Concerned, Annoyed, Tired, Sad and Bloated Citizen
A.K.A. Ellie, The Mommy Master®
Together We Can Master Motherhood!™…and unruly out-of-town house guests.